Sometimes I feel like I can’t do anything right. Sometimes I have this constant feeling of inferiority. The thought passes over me “not good enough.”
A few years ago I was in a relationship where nothing I did felt “good enough.” I was always met with disappointment and intense criticism. According to the one I loved I “needed fixing.” I had an “inferiority complex.” Perhaps they were correct about that, but it never failed to make me feel even more inferior.
They would compare me to other women. Tell me how much more reasonable those women are. My friends, his friends girlfriends and on our very first date he told me liked his ex girlfriend more than me.
Why did I put up with this?
I don’t know.
I have some ideas.
One is that my mother, who was a very excellent, but also very fearful mother, used to compare me a lot. Compare me to my female friends. A very vivid memory I have is her telling me one of my other friends was “just more aware of her surroundings” than I was and that was why I could not walk home from school alone.. in our Yuppie neighborhood.. at 3 PM.. when tons of yuppie moms with concern or children were out.
That is just one of my theories, but to tell you the truth I just don’t know why I am like this. I could go and blame it on the media. I am sure that plays a role, but that really just doesn’t help anything to continue blaming it on outside sources.
I am in an open/polyamorous relationship with my central partner, whom I live with, handle finances with, etc. In theory I believe that love is not exclusive. One can love multiple people, in different ways, no hierarchy. I am an anarchist. I do not believe in one being more important than another. It is dehumanizing to look at someone and let them know they are “not as important” as their other partner. I do understand priorities. It can be hard to make long term life plans with multiple partners, yet I have still seen it done.
In theory and much of the time I want my central partner to have meaningful and fun experiences. I want them to lead a full life and to not be limited by me. I believe in autonomy. Being a couple does not make two people one. Exclusivity is what makes capitalism work. I do not love capitalism so why would I want to bring the lives and inequality of capitalism into my love life?
Yet, I still fear. I still fear I am not good enough. I have this overwhelming feeling of needing to be “better”. Needing to by the “best” compared to any of my partners or partners or even potential partners. I get into this mindset where I HATE them. Where I hate everything about them, where I think they have to suck at everything or they will steal my partner away. I think I have to beat them in everything or I will be alone. This jealous competition is unhealthy and will probably drive my partner away unless I work on it.
It feels terrible. It feels unloving and it goes against my values. I feel confused and ashamed. Because I feel these feelings it perpetuates the feeling of being “not good enough.” Like, why can’t I be like one of those super groovy and open anarchists ladies. Why are they so much better than me? Why don’t I like me?
And thats what it comes down to. Maybe I just don’t like me, but I want to like me. Its going to be a lot of work, but I think I can do it. I can overcome the pain, the inferiority, the abuse and maybe I will end up alone… and maybe this will be okay, because I will love myself.
I love you.
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