Trauma, Anger and Fear

This is a really personal piece…..I need to get this out of my head. I need to write it. I need the people who care and what to know me to read this and to be aware of this.

A lot of people don’t know but, a few years ago I lived on a farm where a mentally challenged person set the house on fire in the middle of the night.

Because of this I have a hard time trusting people I don’t know coming into spaces where I am vulnerable.

I was in an emotionally abusive relationship a few years ago and because of this I have a hard time trusting people that I love.

I live in fear. I wasn’t always like this. I used to trust the strangest looking person on the street. Now I live in fear.

I fear my closest friends are manipulating me or secretly do not love me.

Because of this I get scared and angry about percieved dangers. I often go into emergency mode, I will talk really fast or maybe get demanding.

This makes people angry at me. They don’t know how to deal with me. They get hurt. I get more scared. I feel guilt for my trauma. I want to bury myself in the ground. I don’t know how to get out of this cycle. This cycle where I hurt people with my fears and therefore my pain gets exacerbated.

I wish people were able to deal with flashes of trauma based anger and understood that i am just terrified when thats happening and need people to be gentle, but I feel like that is maybe not fair? And maybe its too much to ask? I wish it wasn’t.. I wish people understood why I got that way… I just don’t know.

How to set oneself free from these fears?

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On Jealousy. On Inferiority. On Polyamory.

Sometimes I feel like I can’t do anything right. Sometimes I have this constant feeling of inferiority. The thought passes over me “not good enough.”

“The Separation” by Took Edalow (me)
This painting is based on the Origin of Love from Platos Symposium, mostly inspired by Hedwig and the Angry Inch’s version. The image of lovers being separated. To be left alone roaming the earth searching for each other.

A few years ago I was in a relationship where nothing I did felt “good enough.” I was always met with disappointment and intense criticism. According to the one I loved I “needed fixing.” I had an “inferiority complex.” Perhaps they were correct about that, but it never failed to make me feel even more inferior.

They would compare me to other women. Tell me how much more reasonable those women are. My friends, his friends girlfriends and on our very first date he told me liked his ex girlfriend more than me.

Why did I put up with this?

I don’t know.

I have some ideas.

One is that my mother, who was a very excellent, but also very fearful mother, used to compare me a lot. Compare me to my female friends. A very vivid memory I have is her telling me one of my other friends was “just more aware of her surroundings” than I was and that was why I could not walk home from school alone.. in our Yuppie neighborhood.. at 3 PM.. when tons of yuppie moms with concern or children were out.

That is just one of my theories, but to tell you the truth I just don’t know why I am like this. I could go and blame it on the media. I am sure that plays a role, but that really just doesn’t help anything to continue blaming it on outside sources.

A segment of my painting

A segment of my painting “The Spreading of Fae”
Oh how I wish I could be this zen Mermaid spreading the love and glitter with each fairy. Knowing each fairy, mermaid, leaf, star is beautiful and worthy of love.

I am in an open/polyamorous relationship with my central partner, whom I live with, handle finances with, etc. In theory I believe that love is not exclusive. One can love multiple people, in different ways, no hierarchy. I am an anarchist. I do not believe in one being more important than another. It is dehumanizing to look at someone and let them know they are “not as important” as their other partner. I do understand priorities. It can be hard to make long term life plans with multiple partners, yet I have still seen it done.

In theory and much of the time I want my central partner to have meaningful and fun experiences. I want them to lead a full life and to not be limited by me. I believe in autonomy. Being a couple does not make two people one. Exclusivity is what makes capitalism work. I do not love capitalism so why would I want to bring the lives and inequality of capitalism into my love life?

Yet, I still fear. I still fear I am not good enough. I have this overwhelming feeling of needing to be “better”. Needing to by the “best” compared to any of my partners or partners or even potential partners. I get into this mindset where I HATE them. Where I hate everything about them, where I think they have to suck at everything or they will steal my partner away. I think I have to beat them in everything or I will be alone. This jealous competition is unhealthy and will probably drive my partner away unless I work on it.

'Growth in the Fall

‘Growth in the Fall” by Took Edalow.. (again thats me!) This is not finished yet, but this is an image of myself learning to “open my third eye” and go with the flow of the birds. To grow and allow change in the fall.

It feels terrible. It feels unloving and it goes against my values. I feel confused and ashamed. Because I feel these feelings it perpetuates the feeling of being “not good enough.” Like, why can’t I be like one of those super groovy and open anarchists ladies. Why are they so much better than me? Why don’t I like me?

And thats what it comes down to.  Maybe I just don’t like me, but I want to like me. Its going to be a lot of work, but I think I can do it. I can overcome the pain, the inferiority, the abuse and maybe I will end up alone… and maybe this will be okay, because I will love myself.

I love you.

Check out more of my art on Instagram and Twitter @2kedalow

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On Marriage

By Took Edalow

The Happy Couple. Are we married? We're merry.

The Happy Couple. Are we married? We’re merry.

Photos by Paul DeRienzo

( YouTube.com/letemtalk )

The other night the Gentleman Scumbag John Murdock and I invited all of our friends, and various strangers to our wedding and comedy/burlesque/performance art show.

Marriage is a traditional act. Hetero-monogamous men and women have been getting married for hundreds of years. This is seen by many as the ultimate act of love. Marriage is the way one validates their love for another person in this society. Many of us can agree love is important, beautiful and meant to be celebrated.

Does Monogamy cause sadness for many?

Do people always grow, like flowers, in monogamous relationships? Barbra and Neil Diamond say they do grow.. once they end.

However, it is only recently that non-heterosexual monogamous marriage has become legal… in America. Thats kind of the weird part about it, isn’t it? That what constitutes marriage, the traditional act of ultimate love is decided by the fucking Government? What does the Government as an entity understand about love? All we do in politics is fight with each other and talk over each other. The point is that its awful that marriage has become so institutionalized and become associated with monetary agreements. And why the fuck is the Government listening to religion on what constitutes worthy love?

12006297_10153563804680169_6422408848301759294_n

A man of tradition wears a balloon bow tie to his wedding.

And what about Polyamorous lovers? People who love more than one person? The Christian Influenced monogamous heterosexual blah blah blah love is limiting. It takes away autonomy in a partnership. When people get married there is talk of “two people becoming one” and “leaving their lives to be with one another.” Why must independence be taken away when one falls in love?

Why is love viewed as a sacrifice? Why is love made into a burden? Why do we force narrow definitions on love? Do we fear we may not be loved? Does it come from fear that we do this and not love?

John Murdock and I are very much in love. We know we want to be together for the time being and hopefully for many years, but we are non-monogamous. We are non-religious. We may be man and woman (maybe?), but we are not heterosexual. Where is the celebration of love for us? Why must we go into the religious and institutionalized boxes to validate our love in this society?

I pray to the Barbra Streisand I will not be unhappily married for the rest of my life.

I pray to the Barbra Streisand I will not be unhappily married for the rest of my life.

Why is marriage so encouraged? We push people into marriage and encourage them so fiercely that marriage is the only way, that we must have a partner of the opposite sex and we must have children. We insist on people having children, yet people don’t want children around. We have yet to acknowledge that we do not accept families and the natural tendencies of children very often. The point is we do not always live in an inclusive society. Our traditions are a mess.

But, love each other. You define it.

I will write more on my wedding experience

MARRIAGE IS MISERY

MARRIAGE IS MISERY

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Follow Up: Its not about the rape joke… Its about our culture.

Its about how people deal with the subject of rape in real life after people have gotten off stage. After people have finished goofing around and not being serious. If you have not read my last post read it to understand the context.

When you make jokes about subjects that have traumatized many people sometimes people will have not so ideal reactions to your humor. This is what happens to me when I hear people make jokes about rape. I get angry and sad and in my head I become the defense for myself and many of the people I know and don’t know who have been victims of sexual abuse.

THIS. IS. NOT. ABOUT. CENSORSHIP. God fucking dammit. Predictably people who are responding to this post directly to me or hint to it in podcasts where they trash armpit hair for women and not for men (equality exists. sure.) are being like “oh feminists and stupid chicks with blogs want us to stop making rape jokes. They want to censor us! Anything can be funny.. BITCH. Anything can be funny. CUNT.”

She looks pretty beautiful to me...

She looks pretty beautiful to me…

Many people probably wish I would just be like “stop making rape jokes”, but that is not the point I am trying to get through to people.

My point is: If you are going to make jokes about rape on stage and people have strong reactions to it BECAUSE SOME FUCKED UP SHIT PROBABLY HAPPENED TO THEM and they ADMIT to you they probably overreacted due to some shit in the past. Why the hell would you keep mocking them?

What pisses me off is not that dudes want to make rape jokes. I do find it boring, unoriginal, old fashion, and kind of just lame, but I’m not going to say stop doing it. AGAIN NOT TRYING TO CENSOR.

What pisses me off is people are saying “its a joke. Its just a joke!” If it is JUST a joke then when you get off stage you understand the seriousness of the matter? Correct? If victims of the acts you joke about get upset why is that something to be mocked? The person who actually made the jokes I originally wrote about did not mock me, but the folks in his mostly male community did. Doesn’t this just prove they see victims of sexual abuse as a joke all the time? I am being framed as a whiny little brat for having an emotional reaction about a topic that is very traumatizing. This proves that when you make jokes that sympathize with the rapist rather than the victims (i.e Bill Cosbys still a great comic!) this perpetuates the cultural attitude around rape victims.. which is to minimize their experience.

Keep making your jokes if you want. Just think about how you deal with certain topics when you’re not making jokes about it.

In fact I like some rape jokes. I prefer ones that mock the rapists and make good points for victims. Check out Amy Schumers Football Town Nights Its funny as shit, insightful and actually kind of made me tear up through my laughter towards the end. Like could you imagine if we taught consent culture in schools?

A lot of people are saying, oh this stupid facebook activist…

The truth is I have done workshops and things around Consent Culture when I lived with a group of Egalitarian activists people who actively opposed Monsanto and did lots of other groovy things. Consent Culture is a response to the Rape Culture, where victims experiences are minimized.

CONSENT IS SEXY

CONSENT IS SEXY

onlywithconsent.org definition:

  1. Consent culture is a culture in which asking forconsent is normalized and condoned in popularculture. It is respecting the person’s response even if it isn’t the response you had hoped for. We will live in a consent culture when we no longer objectify people and we value them as human beings.

I wish we taught kid consent in school from a young age. Start with the basics, move on to the sexual aspect by the time kids are old enough to be given sexual education.. which should be WAY earlier than it is.

Besides the sex aspect of sexual education I believe kids should be taught extensively about how to respect their own bodies and other peoples. Kids are told now “Don’t hit” and they are left with the “but why?” There has got to be exercises, workshops, games, etc that can teach small children about why you should not lay hands on another persons body if they do not want you to. Another issue I see is that a lot of people do not know how to speak up when people are touching them in a way they do not like. Teach kids that if they don’t like how they’re are being touched it is completely valid to speak up and say “no”.

CONSENT CULTURE. YES.

PS: Armpit hair for men and not for women? Seriously are you from the fucking 50’s?

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Gluten Free Kale Band goes to Bernieing Sanders Man 2015:A Media Streaming announcement.

imageHello folks! Greetings from the hippie van! Your favorite universe channeling improv music group Gluten Free Kale is imageon our way to Asheville for this dope festival called Bernieing Sanders Man! Activities include ayahuasca workshops brainstorming universal health care plans. Bernie Sanders plans to announce his decision to try and get medicinal psychedelic trip’s covered under health insurance at this festival. We believe it will truly get the youth vote. He also intends to in-state Burning Man accessibility meaning burning man will no longer be for only the top 1% of hippies.

Queen Quinoa and Recycling  the members of Gluten Free Kale Will be media streaming the whole trip down and will be showing you not the minimum wage of fun they’re having in photos, videos and recordings

facebook.com/glutenfreekale

Follow Instagram Stream @2kedalow

Follow our hashtags! #BernieSanders2016 #BernieingSandersMan #HilaryClintonIsARepublican #GlutenFreeKale #HippieBullshit #RecyclingandQueenQuinoa #Recycling #QueenQuinoa #DonaldChump

Full List of Activities and Events at Bernieing Sanders Man

– Flaming Bonfire of Military Expenditures

– Performance of  “Communist Manifesto The Musical”

– Colonel Bernie Sanders Chicken Cook Off

– Legalize Potluck (bring you favorite thc induced dish)

– “Dirty, Clean, Hard, Wet and just Plain Easy ;)” an experiment using orgy powered generators – also known as “fuck the two person relationship system”

– Corporate Accountability Spit Roast

– Democratic Circle Jerk led by Senator John Kerry

– Pin the Toupee on the Bigot – A Donald Trump Study (also for kids!)

– Fudge Drive

-Walrus Party

– For the Kids: Marxist and Me Classes, “Hilary Clinton is actually a Republican” a puppet show (puppets made out of voting ballets)and Konsensus 4 Kids.

Please follow us on our Bernie Sanders adventure if you’re interested will be attending Birding man next month (in Portland!) an alternative birdwatching festival.

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What I wish was happening in the world (Part 1: Food, Basic Needs and Money)

People like to call me negative.

I’ll admit it. I am negative as fuck. I am as cynical as the worst of them. I’ll admit this is my biggest flaw. However, I do not think I am aimlessly negative. I do not think I’m negative to be negative or maybe it started out for good reasons and has turned into a shitty habit, but anyway I am going to go into what kinds of things I wish were happening in the world.

I wish money did not exist. Or at least I wish money existed in a different way than it does today. It appears to me the capitalist myth is that if you work hard you will be able to make a lot of money. I know plenty of people who work really hard, but maybe didn’t have enough money, weren’t able to get a scholarship, didn’t want to fuck themselves over by taking out loans, but still worked hard at whatever job they could find. It can be hard to get a decent paying job, even if one is willing to work their ass off.

No matter what kind of job someone has they are slaves to money. Money represents whether or not someone is able to have their basic needs. Money in our society seems to be worth more than food and shelter. Its fucking pathetic honestly. Money has become god. We worship that fucker.

Money bitch

“Alright, alright young and idealist kid, what do you suppose we do instead of money.”

I’d like to get rid of money, but most people can’t even handle this concept. When I was in college for five minutes I mentioned in a class that it would probably be interesting to live in a world without money. This girl starts freaking out going “So then how would I pay my bills?”

This tells me most people just don’t get it. If people need to worship their money god then I think basic necessities should be free. Food, shelter, water, clothing (not for fashion reasons, but warmth reasons.) Luxuries should be what we use money for, electronics(though internet should be free to access, because information should be free) fashionable clothing, etc. Although if I had it my way we’d kill advertising and most people wouldn’t be buying crap they really don’t need. Although I should mention I think technology is pretty awesome, I am not shitting on educational electronics.

Food, shelter, water. These things are already free to people who are very poor, but lets face it, its really fucking substandard. Most homeless shelters are dangerous or really crowded, who wants to try and live there with their kids? A miserable life, no one should have to do that.

tomato

Food. A big one for me. Food stamps exist, but I once met a woman with a family of four, it is difficult to feed a family of four with under 200 a month. You can, but healthy food is expensive. Organic food and non-GMO food is expensive. Is health for the rich? Is having access to healthy food a privilege? It fucking shouldn’t be.

People seem to think there isn’t enough food to go around. There is. Its just in a fucking dumpster. A lot of food gets thrown out. I know a co-house in Washington DC where they dumpster a large majority of their food so that everyone in their house can afford to live there. They all have various levels of income. Therefore making their living situation not super classist.

Alright I’ve talked a bunch of shit about the system.

Some of my possibly not completely thought out solutions:

I want to buy one of those smaller islands off of New York City and build giant Vertical Farming towers. I think it would be cool if it was run kind of like a food co-op. If you work there a certain number of hours a month food is free to you. I’m sure we’d have to organize things a little more to make sure everyone got a fair share,  but it could work. People with disabilities could be given jobs that don’t require physical labor so that it is inclusive as possible.

I also think we should be using big chunks of Central Park and Prospect Park to have huge community gardens. Homeless folks or whoever could work there and be able to actually survive without having to deal with money. Saving the seeds every year would prevent the need to buy more seeds.

^These ideas may be hard to reach, but I can dream and speak about it. I am also working on a project with my house THE FAY to neutralize the soil in our area (It has tons of lead in it) We want to give people food autonomy by giving them a garden and teaching them about growing their own food. I would love to get a grant to do that, unfortunately this plays into the money system..

Tune in next time for “What I wish was happening in the world (Part Two: Education and Emotional Conditioning)”

 

 

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Peeing in the Shower: Essay #1

When I was in 4th grade my teacher Mr. C used to say “When you’re done with my class you’ll be able to write a five paragraph essay on anything.” I decided to put that to the test. I have a list of topics ranging from mundane to bizarre.

Here is my first essay on Peeing in the Shower.

The youth of America has been burdened with the negative cultural viewpoint on the act of urinating in the shower.  This cultural taboo probably dates back many generations, my mother told me not to pee in shower and her mother just alike. Perhaps this taboo started during the Great Depression. People during this era were probably not aware of the antiseptic qualities of urine. Perhaps they feared they would have to clean out their bathtubs more often, therefore, wasting water and cleaning product than they could afford. In reality, this taboo probably started much earlier, but I’ll bet it had more to do with hygiene than anything else. No matter how this urine shower negativity came about the forbidden aspect certainly contributes to the recreation of the activity.

Should I pee in here or in the toilet like a "civilized person?"

Should I pee in here or in the toilet like a “civilized person?”

   It’s the reason children grow up to be pot smoking, alcohol drinking, and, in extreme cases, heroin shooting teenagers. Their psychologically uneducated parental figures told them “Do not do drugs. Drugs are bad!” The inner-rebel has a tendency to set in sometimes after age twelve and kids want to do drugs. The desire to taste the forbidden fruit lies deep down in all of us, for some it stays dormant. For most, this desire probably exists long before the pre-teen years, just the whole “Just Say No” thing is rammed into our heads before we can even contemplate what a drug might be.  Peeing in the shower? Now that is a lot less talked about. There are not cute little cartoons on TV telling us not to pee in the shower, just this mild cultural negativity towards such an act.

                Lets face it, sometimes taking a piss in the shower is just down right convenient. In the winter time, in a poorly heated home, the shower can be the greatest source of warmth around. Say you’re talking a wonderful hot shower after a long freezing day and you feel the urge to pee come on. You wouldn’t want to get out of your comfort zone and walk on the icy floor, now would you? It’s ridiculous to go through all that trouble when there is a drain right in front of you. We’ve all done it. The whole idea that it might piss off your ma and poppy probably adds to the experience. Even if you’re well into your thirties you’re most likely subconsciously effected by the piss off parents factor.

                There are folks that take this Eve’s Apple urine in shower complex to the next level. You can bet that anything forbidden will turn inti a ridiculous or not so ridiculous fetish in comparison to others. Golden shower’s is actually a huge thing. This means some people enjoy being pissed on or pissing on by their sexual partners. This is mild compared to the infamous bug-hunters- people who get turned on by the idea of getting AIDS. Golden showers in the actual shower is probably be the most hygienic way to go about experimenting with this fetish. Once the game is played and done, both partners (or more) could rinse off right afterwards and would not have to worry about cleaning sheets with piss all over them. Urinating in a shower that is used by multiple people might actually be hygienic. Often sharing showers without washing them can be a great way to spread foot fungi. Urine has some antiseptic qualities and could potential clear a shower of foot diseases. However, urine is only sterile to its original carrier, so this might not be the best idea.

                The taboo against urinating in the shower is just another way “the man” is trying to keep us in boxes. The man wants us to fear what can be good for us and what can be fun. Fun is not alright unless we are paying for it. Of course as mentioned earlier, some might feel they are spending more money by having to clean piss out of the shower. The antiseptic quality of piss is not a widespread idea and they certainly make sure pee is “icky” to little children. Of course the system may be profiting off the “pee in shower” idea, forcing the old fashioned adults to buy more cleaning products when their children take up the habit. I remember a character in the children’s movie Jimmy Neutron happily peeing in the shower, probably influencing quite a few children to pee in the shower. Cultural taboos have never done us any good. Look at what’s been going on with marijuana! Marijuana has multitudes of healing properties. Your parents were wrong.

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