This is a really personal piece…..I need to get this out of my head. I need to write it. I need the people who care and what to know me to read this and to be aware of this.
A lot of people don’t know but, a few years ago I lived on a farm where a mentally challenged person set the house on fire in the middle of the night.
Because of this I have a hard time trusting people I don’t know coming into spaces where I am vulnerable.
I was in an emotionally abusive relationship a few years ago and because of this I have a hard time trusting people that I love.
I live in fear. I wasn’t always like this. I used to trust the strangest looking person on the street. Now I live in fear.
I fear my closest friends are manipulating me or secretly do not love me.
Because of this I get scared and angry about percieved dangers. I often go into emergency mode, I will talk really fast or maybe get demanding.
This makes people angry at me. They don’t know how to deal with me. They get hurt. I get more scared. I feel guilt for my trauma. I want to bury myself in the ground. I don’t know how to get out of this cycle. This cycle where I hurt people with my fears and therefore my pain gets exacerbated.
I wish people were able to deal with flashes of trauma based anger and understood that i am just terrified when thats happening and need people to be gentle, but I feel like that is maybe not fair? And maybe its too much to ask? I wish it wasn’t.. I wish people understood why I got that way… I just don’t know.
How to set oneself free from these fears?